就这样吗
That's it?
你说要让我"体验第一次"的时候
When you told me I was going to be "losing my virginity,"
我没有想到你是指
I didn't think you meant showing me
"第一次"看《夺宝奇兵》啊
Raiders of the Lost Ark for the first time.
我的错 我用词太不准确了
My apologies. I chose my words poorly.
我应该说 "你将会
I should have said you were about
在我沙发上爽入云霄"
to have your world rocked on my couch.
这是我最爱的电影之一
It's one of my all-time favorites.
这电影娱乐性非常高
It was very entertaining...
可惜情节漏洞百出
despite the glaring story problem.
你真是好傻好天真啊
What a dewy-eyed moon-calf you are.
《夺宝奇兵》这电影
Raiders of the Lost Ark is the love child
of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas,
这两位当代最有才制片人的心血结晶
two of the most gifted filmmakers of our generation.
除了满是蛇与脸融化的那两幕
except for the snake scene and the face-melting scene,
只有天还亮的时候我才敢看 但...
which I can only watch when it's still light out, but...
有本事你说出个情节漏洞我听听
I defy you to find a story problem.
主角印第安纳·琼斯的存在
Indiana Jones plays no role
对电影的结局没有任何影响
in the outcome of the story.
电影结局也不会有任何差别
it would turn out exactly the same.
我知道你问题在哪了 你没搞清楚
Oh, I see your confusion. You don't understand.
戴帽子拿鞭子那男的才是印第安纳·琼斯
Indiana Jones was the one in the hat with the whip.
纳粹还是会找到法柜
the Nazis would have still found the ark,
你不都是周三才去逛漫画店的吗
I thought you went to the comic book store on Wednesdays.
但谢尔顿跟艾米今晚是约会之夜
Yeah, but Sheldon and Amy were having date night
他们不需要我来把场面弄尴尬
and they don't need me there to make it awkward.
《扶不起的阿斗》 作者是贝芙莉·霍夫斯塔德
The Disappointing Child by Beverly Hofstadter.
这是我心理学课的推荐读物呢
It's on the recommended reading list for my psychology class.
里面详细记录了我从小到大
It-It's got, like, every horrible story
每一段丢人事
from my childhood in it.
里面有章节是写训练我如厕
There-There's chapters about potty training,
写尿床
and bed-wetting and...
连"喂奶危机"那一段都不能聊吗
Not even the chapter on the breast-feeding crisis?
也就是我比较喜欢吸左奶
Apparently, I favored the left one,
害她左右不平衡罢了
she got a little lopsided.
你觉得我看起来最像哪个明星
Which celebrity would you say I look like the most?
我跟斯图尔特要填征友网站的资料
Stuart and I are putting dating profiles online,
不过谢谢夸奖 她的身材骨架棒呆了
And thank you-- I'd kill for that woman's bone structure.
她钟爱的事物来毁掉它
something beloved to her and ruin that.
没有任何存在的必要 无论电影有他没他
is completely irrelevant to the story. With or without him,
为什么五岁男孩会拿妈的化妆品化妆
why a five-year-old boy puts on his mom's makeup
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00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:28,930
然后用气球当咪咪
and wears balloon boobies.
但你戴着她胸罩
You were wearing her bra.
那是为了让我的"胸肌"不下垂
That was to keep my muscles from sagging!
还是作业得到了√+评价的学生
who got a check-plus on her first homework assignment...
有时候 说出童年阴影
I think, sometimes, it's good to
也是挺不错的啊
open up about these things.
我想要一拳砸烂我家 然后逃走
and I wanted to smash my way out of that house.
你有看到"寻找复活节彩蛋"那章吗
Did you get to the chapter where she staged the Easter egg hunt
根本就没有彩蛋 她故意试试我能找多久
with no eggs to see how long I'd keep looking?
当然 我怎么能质疑√+学生呢
Of course, who am I to argue with a check-plus student?
别小题大做问我为什么
Don't make a big deal out of it.
我只是想让你看起来不那么无趣
I just want to make sure you look fun
充满生气 而不是像一具刚从河里
and full of life and not like a body
捞出来的尸体那样死气沉沉
they just pulled out of the river.
好吧 刚才那张不算
Okay, uh-uh, that one's in the bank.
你先把头转过去 然后再转回来
Turn away, and then turn back into it.
好吧 这张有点模糊
Yeah, it's, it's a little blurry,
不过这应该对你有益无害
but I think that works in your favor.
"用一个词形容自己"
Oh, what did you put
你用的是哪个词
as the one-word description of yourself?
我用了"不讨人厌"
I put unobjectionable.
感觉好像有点过于自信了
it just seems like I'm being cocky.
那你优点你写了什么
What did you put for your best feature?
我写了"无"
I put not applicable.
拜托 伙计 你对自己太严苛了
Come on, dude, you're being too hard on yourself.
你具备很多优秀的条件啊
You've got a lot of good stuff going on.
你是一个有天赋的艺术家
Well, okay, you're a, you're a talented artist,
你有自己的事业
you own your own business.
好吧 那我们能暗示
Okay, well, can we imply
你"那方面"天赋异禀吗
that you're well-endowed?
我的确是有个特别长的... 睾丸
I do have one oddly long testicle.
现在像个有自信的男人在说话了
Okay, now you're talking like a winner!
我发现艾米喜欢的《傲慢与偏见》
Oh, it turns out Amy's beloved Pride and Prejudice
是一部毫无瑕疵的杰作
is a flawless masterpiece.
男主角的确很傲慢
He's got too much pride,
艾米喜欢看《大丹麦狗马默杜克》的连载漫画
Amy has a fondness for the comic strip Marmaduke.
一个家庭里有一只这么大
a family possesses a dog that is so large
而且丝毫不守规矩
and poorly disciplined,
除了惹麻烦就什么都不会的巨型犬
he causes nothing but problems.
他们为什么还要养它呢
Why do they keep him?!
或许是因为他们爱上它的时候 它还只是小狗
Maybe they fell in love with him as a puppy
那部漫画情节漏洞百出
That thing's riddled with plot holes.
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00:10:00,830 --> 00:10:03,220
我得陪佩妮去看一场白痴的球赛
I gotta go watch a stupid football game with Penny.
然后还有很多她没有注意到的瑕疵吗
that has a bunch of flaws she hasn't noticed?
别这样嘛 每次我们
Oh, come on. Every time we're about
要去跟我的朋友玩 你都不想去
to hang out with my friends, you don't want to.
"厕所太脏了"
or "the bathroom's too dirty,"
"他们拿鸡翅插我耳朵"
or "they put a chicken wing in my ear..." I mean...
或者我们也可以买外卖
Or, you know, we could get take-out
然后在这里看蓝光加长附带
and watch the Blu-ray extended version
导演评论音轨版的《霍比特人》电影啊
of The Hobbit movie with commentary track.
因为我被我妈这件事弄得太难过了嘛
On account of how sad I am about my mom.
你今天要打起精神来哦
You hang in there today.
上班打炮
Sex at work?!
别这么说
Leave it alone.
行啊 你怎么做到的
Damn. How'd you swing that?
这招是挺贱的 但超级管用
I'm not proud of it, but it does work.
我还成功让她
I-I got her to watch
陪我看了一部六段落的巨蟒剧团纪录片呢
a six-part documentary on Monty Python.
我自己都看闷了 就只是想看她
Even I was bored, I just wanted to see
能不能撑到最后
if she'd make it to the end.
你听起来蛮引以为傲的嘛
You sound kind of proud of it.
我们上一次未事先安排就视频聊天
Well, the last time you made an unscheduled video-chat,
是因为你的薯条里有一根卷薯条
there was a curly fry in your regular fries
你当时怀疑有人想对你下迷药
and you thought someone might be trying to slip you a mickey.
明天晚上来一场临时约会
to a spontaneous date night tomorrow evening.
我也想还你这份情
So I'd like to return the favor
邀请你来看一集
by inviting you to watch an episode
你小时候最爱的电视剧
of your favorite childhood television series,
《草原小屋》
Little House on the Prairie.
你为什么在搓手啊
Why are you rubbing your hands together?
我是在擦护手霜啊
I'm putting on lotion.
你到底来不来
Are you in or not?
真是白痴
What a rube.
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00:13:32,450 --> 00:13:36,220
我这双芊芊玉手 怎么可能需要擦护手霜呢
Why would I put on lotion when I have such soft hands?
肯定是很惨吧
Yeah, I bet it sucked.
我要去洗澡了 你洗碗吧
I'm gonna take a bath; you do the dishes.
不同情下我吗
No compassion?
我是在分享我的悲痛
I'm sharing my pain.
我不信这套 说实话
And I'm not buying it. Try again.
我在学习怎么在文化环境
I'm learning to be a man in a culture
对男人越来越艰难的....
where it's increasingly difficult to know how...?
最后一次机会？？？？
Strike two.
我在学莱纳德
I'm copying Leonard.
这种做法很贱
It was dumb,
我们的个人资料正式在公布在网上了
Our dating profiles are live on the Internet.
注意了 各位女顾客
Attention all shoppers:
告诉你们
For all you know,
我可以充满自信和幽默十足哦
I'm confident and fun to be around.
现在没准都离两三次婚了
I'd be divorced two or three times by now.
感觉有点怪怪的
You know, it... it's weird.
你有没有感觉像摊开被人检阅一样
does it make you feel exposed?
仿佛她们看到了咱们的裸体一样
Like they see you naked?
她们没有尖叫着逃开 所以还好
Well, they're not running away screaming, so, no.
我甚至去给我的猫挤奶
I tried to milk my cat.
结果猫奶泡麦圈臭死了
That tangy bowl of Cheerios
亏我还被猫抓到要去缝针
was not worth the stitches.
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00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:25,200
相关资料说 是非法侵占印第安人的土地建的
I read they were illegally squatting on Indian land.
就个人而言 我觉得我们
Personally, I think what we did
对印第安人的所作所为是错的
to the Native Americans was wrong,
居然在吃花生酱三明治
eating that peanut butter sandwich.
真奇怪 因为花生酱
That's strange, since peanut butter
直到20世纪初才出现
wasn't introduced until the early 1900s.
如果早知道这是部时光穿越剧
If I knew this show was about time travel,
我想我早就看了
I would have watched it much sooner.
你是在报复我
You're trying to get back at me
这部剧应该叫做《荒谬之地的小木屋》
This is more like Little House on the Preposterous.
谢尔顿 我们在谈恋爱
Sheldon, we're in a relationship.
你不必偷偷想办法报复
You don't need to seek revenge.
每次我爸彻夜未归
Every time my dad stayed out all night,
我妈就会把仓鼠屎放进他的嚼用烟草里
my mom would put hamster poop in his chewing tobacco.
甚至可能整个系列都毁了
you may have ruined the whole franchise.
被你的脏手染指之前就是部烂片了
which was bad before you got your mitts on it.
我听说你一直在抱怨我的为母之道
I understand you have been whining about my parenting
以此在感情上来操控你的女友
in order to emotionally manipulate your girlfriend.
我们来讨论下你为什么一直将我牵扯进
Let's discuss why you continue to involve me
你的性生活中
in your sex life.
走进房间 撞到我和你父亲光着身子
you walked in on me and your father naked.？？？？？
我当时用你崭新的
I was swatting his bottom
乒乓球拍猛抽他的屁股
with your brand new Ping Pong paddle.
那件事让你感觉如何
How did that make you feel?
-加起来吗 -是的
- Combined? - Yes.
哥们 这真是太残忍了
Dude, this is... this is brutal.
我从未有过如此强烈的被拒绝感
I don't think I've ever felt so rejected.
我曾经救过一只流浪狗
And I had a rescue dog
它跑回收容所时 我都没这么难过
who ran back to the pound.
早知道结果会这样
If we're gonna get shot down,
还不如去酒吧
we might as well just go to a bar
用老方法泡妞
and do it old school.
至少能跟她们面对面交流
And make them look us in the eye.
到有关当局备案
to the proper authorities for filing.
