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我家孩子经常用命令性的口气跟姥姥姥爷说话，偶尔用命令性的语气跟爸爸妈妈说话。如果姥姥姥爷不满足他的要求，他就会大哭大闹。我该怎么跟孩子和老人沟通呢？
游戏力中有好几种方法可以帮到你。
第一种是和孩子一起做的。你可以利用游戏来释放这种情绪困惑，我称这种紧张情绪为“结”，就像绳子上打的结。在需求、提出要求和满足自己的需求方面，孩子已经积累了一些紧张情绪。我现在说的这个游戏，你需要在姥姥姥爷不在场的情况下，和孩子一起玩。一开始，你这么对孩子说：“嗨，我注意到，有时你会用命令性的口气跟姥姥姥爷说话，当他们拒绝你时，你会特别难过和生气。你发现了吗？”很重要的一点，当你说这些话时，脸上要带着大大的笑容，真诚而温暖的笑容，我称之为“你没有麻烦的表情”。因为一旦孩子感到他们会有麻烦了，就会封闭自己不说话，就不会感到轻松了。所以，我们得让他们感觉一切都很好，他们不会有任何麻烦。我们可以通过玩游戏达到这样的目的。你可以说：“嗨，我已经注意到这种情况了。那我们来玩个相关的游戏吧！”然后你就等着，因为也许孩子会想出一个绝好的游戏，是你永远都想不到的。然后，他想玩什么游戏，你就和他一起玩。如果孩子说：“好吧，我们可以玩个相关的游戏。你想玩什么？”你就说：“你对我呼来喝去的怎么样？或者我来指使你，你愿意不？”总之，你要玩很多非常搞笑的、呼来喝去的、命令别人的游戏。玩这类游戏的目的不是让他练习好好说话，这并非用意所在，用意在于不停地大笑，通过笑声降低他在满足自己需求过程中积累的紧张感。你可以这样对孩子说：“给我十个饼干！给我十块蛋糕！给我一百个玩具！”他拒绝你，你就说：“哦，太不公平了！”或者孩子这样命令你：“坐下！现在站起来！再坐下！”而你说：“好的，遵命，遵命，你让我干什么都行。现在我可以坐下了吗？现在我可以站起来了吗？我可以站在我头上吗？”你要用一种夸张搞笑的方式来说。当然了，这种游戏只能在游戏时间内玩，你可不想让孩子生活中每时每刻都这样吧？年幼的孩子没有能力为生活中的重大事件做决定。这个游戏只适合在集中的游戏时间内进行。
第二种是和姥姥姥爷相关的，会稍微难一些，因为他们可能没有那么开放的心态。但是，你仍然可以这么说：“我注意到，有时候孩子和您说话不太尊敬，像发号施令似的。我知道这可能让您很矛盾，一方面您很爱他，想答应他，可是另一方面您又不希望他那么专横苛刻。您一定感觉很难办吧？您是怎么想的？”然后你就听他说，倾听倾听再倾听，听他们说自己的感受。你还可以这么说：“您和孩子之间拥有良好的关系，对我来说非常重要。我非常高兴有您在他的生命中，我也非常高兴他是您的外孙子。”一般情况下，这么一说，老人的心就融化了。接下来，你可以和他们分享一下你学到的关于慈悲和倾听的内容：“根据我所学到的，如果我蹲在地板上，听他说自己的需求，并理解他的感受，那么当我再拒绝他时，他的反应会好很多。”但要记住，在向你爸爸妈妈或者公公婆婆分享这些信息之前，一定要先多多地倾听他们，只有这样，你说的话才会起作用。
我想说的最后一点是，你说当姥姥姥爷拒绝你儿子时，他就会大哭大闹。通常，我们会认为孩子大哭大闹是一个问题，是不好的。但是，在游戏力中，我们努力欢迎所有的情绪，认为任何一种情绪都是没有问题的。孩子想要却不能得到，他们当然会难过了。很重要的一点是，我们必须要设立界限。我们设立了界限，拒绝他，然后倾听他的感受。所以，只有当无人倾听孩子，无人坐在地板上给予他们温暖和共情时，大哭大闹才会成为问题。当然了，很多大人会觉得如果我们这么做了，给予大哭大闹的孩子以温暖、理解和共情，他们会加倍哭闹的。但是事实是，当孩子感受到真的有人在倾听他们、理解他们的感受时，他们就放松了。
tip: 用夸张搞笑的方式让孩子大笑，就能缓解他们的紧张感。
There are several ways that Playful Parentingcan help you. The first is something you can do with your child. You can useplay to work through some of these emotional confusions, the type of tensionthat I call a knot, like a knot tied a rope. He has developed tension aboutneeds and demands, and getting his needs met. This is a game you play with yourchild when the grandparents are not around. It starts by you saying to thechild, “hey, I have noticed that sometimes you talk to your grandparents in abossy and demanding way and sometimes if they say no, you get very very upsetand angry. Have you noticed that?” It’s very important when you introduce thisgame that you have a big smile on your face, a genuine and warm smile. I callit the “you are not in trouble face”. Because when children feel they are introuble, they shut down and close up and they are not going to feel playful. Sowe want to introduce the idea that it’s ok, they are not in trouble, we can useplay to help this situation. So you say, “hey, I have noticed this. Let’s playsome games about it.” And then you wait, because your child may come up with areally good game that you would never have thought of. And you do whatevergames your child wants to play. If the child says, “ok we can play a game aboutthat, what do you want to play?”, then you can say, “how about you boss mearound or how about I try to boss you around and you say no.” And you just playa lot of really funny games about being bossy and demanding. The goal of thiskind of play is not to practice so he learns to speak properly. This is not theidea. The idea is to laugh, laugh, and laugh to reduce the tension that hasbuilt up around getting what he wants. You can say to your child: “give me tencookies, give me ten cakes, give one hundred toys.” Your child will say no andyou say, “oh, it’s not fair.” Or your child says this to you, “sit down, nowstand up, now sit down again.” And you say “OK, yes yes yes, you can tell meexactly what to do. Shall I sit down now? shall I stand up now? Shall I standup my head?” You do this in an exaggerated and funny way. Now of course this isduring play time, you don’t want your child run everything in life. Youngchildren are not capable to make every important decision in life. This is justduring a concentrated play time.
Now the second thing is about grandparents.So with grandparents, this is a harder part. They might not be so open. But youcan also say, “hey I have noticed that sometimes my son talks to you in a waythat is disrespectful and demanding. And I noticed that this can be veryconfusing to you because you love him so much and you want to say yes to him.But you don’t want him to be bossy and demanding. This must be very confusing,what’s that like for you?” Then you listen as much as possible, listen listenlisten to what it is like for them. And one thing you might also say is, “It isso important for me that you and your grandson have a really good relationship.I’m so glad that he has you in his life. I’m so glad you have him as your grandson.”This usually melts a grandparent’s heart. Then you can share what you havelearned about compassion and listening: “Something that I have learnt is thatif I kneel down to the floor, listen to what he wants and understand what hefeels, then he handles it much better when I have to say no.” But remember,sharing this kind of information with your parents or your husband’s parentswill only work if you have done a lot of listening to the grandparents first.
And the last thing I would say about this isthat you mentioned your son will scream and cry loudly after hearing “no” fromhis grandparents. Usually we think this is a problem, this is bad, the child isscreaming. But of course you know in Playful Parenting we try to welcomefeelings and understand that feelings are ok. Of course child is upset becausethey want something but they can’t have it. The important thing is that we dohave to set limit. So we set the limit, we say no and then we listen to thefeelings. So screaming and crying is only a problem if nobody is listening, ifnobody can really get down on the floor, and be warm and empathic and with thechild. And of course a lot of us adults feel if we do that, if we are warm,understanding and empathic to a child who is screaming and crying, they aregoing to scream and cry more. But the fact is that when they feel that someonereally listens to them, really understand how they feel, then they relax.
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