Toketemu Ohwovoriole ● June 3, 2019
Breakups are hard. They are even harder when they don’t end on your terms and leave you teeming with dozens on unanswered questions. Weeks, months and years have passed since these 12 women went through their most painful breakups. Even though they’ve mostly moved on they still have unanswered questions that haunt them. And I tried to give them some answers.
He didn’t go the usual ‘it’s not you, it’s me route’. He said it was me, that I was the reason he was ending thing. But he never said what it was about me that led to the breakup. Just gave me a vague ‘there’s just something about you, I can’t place my finger on it, but I can’t deal anymore. I’m in another very happy relationship now, but sometimes I think ‘what about me was the problem?’
Seyi, 25
This one is easy. He was the problem.
We dated for a little over a year. He just woke up one morning and said that I was overexposed. He mentioned a couple of other things. Like how I wasn’t traditional enough and didn’t respect the age difference between us (3 years). My only regret is the whole year I wasted with him, but I still wonder what the hell overexposed really means.
Nneka, 27
It means he was looking for the kind of girlfriend that will call him sir and help him wear his socks in the morning.
He just ghosted. We had been dating for a couple of weeks. Next thing I know he had blocked my number. It was like film. I wasn’t even that emotionally invested but it pained me ehn. It has been like a year and I still haven’t heard from him. If I see him now I’ll ask ‘Oga you had wife abi?’
Seun, 24
He probably did.
He said he wanted to focus on himself and I was distracting him from achieving his true potential. I’ve gotten promoted twice since we broke up and I know he’s still at the same position at the same job. I just want to ask if he’s achieving the goals he wanted to achieve.
Halima, 28
Eish
Just ‘why’. We were good, or at least I thought we were good. So I was completely blindsided when he said he was unhappy. Maybe I was too self-absorbed to notice that he was unhappy but I don’t think so. It still hurts. A lot.
Onyinyechi, 27
It gets better. It really does.
‘Why don’t you have sense?’ And that’s for everyone I’ve ever dated. It’s like I’m cursed or something because I’ve only ever dated people who don’t have sense. I caught the last one cheating and it didn’t even surprise me because he had being moving mad from the beginning of the relationship.
Adedoyin, 25
We all wish we knew the answer to this one sis.
‘How do you fall out of love?’ He said he just didn’t love me anymore. Which was a little inconvenient because well I still loved him. I know people fall out of love, I’m not ten years old. But how?
Sonia,23
‘What exactly did you tell her?’ The boyfriend left me for my best friend. Cliche I know. But I had dated him for like two months, and I was best friends with her for seven years. I’m not even concerned with what his reasons were. I just want to know what exactly he could have told her to make her free a seven-year friendship.
Susan, 25
Lies, lies and more lies
Toketemu Ohwovoriole ● February 12, 2019
In this week’s Naira Life article, the lady who’s mastering money 416k at a time had me thinking about my life for a long ass time. Of course, I came to the conclusion that she has two heads, because how else can someone save more than 70% of their salary?
Asides wallowing at the state of my account balance, I sat down to think about where the bulk of my money goes. Turns out I’ve been spending my life savings on food.
I also asked these Nigerian women to share what they spent most of their income on and just how much they spend.
I don’t have a car and I hate moving around with public transport, so all my coins go to Ubers. Thankfully I can afford it, and I’m aware that it’s a little ridiculous to spend so much money on just transport. But my life’s motto is comfort first. Plus moving around in Ubers saves a lot of my time, and I hear time is money.
It’s hard to calculate how much of what I earn goes to Ubers because I have a 9-5 and a pretty great side gig. But I’d say 20% of the income I get from my 9-5.
It’s not like I buy weaves all the time. I work a government job so my salary is a joke. But I have an online business that does quite well. The average cost of any of my wigs or weaves is about 150k, my 9 -5 pays about 80k a month. So I guess I spend like two months salary on hair. I’m not ashamed of it. It’s not as if after I buy a wig, I can’t afford to put food on my table or pay my rent.
The first year I moved out to live on my own, I had a flatmate. But she left the country the year after and I got stuck paying the full rent. I paid it in hopes of getting another flatmate, but no luck yet. I really like my apartment and have no plans to move out, so for now, I have to keep paying the rent. I’d say the bulk of my money goes to rent. I earn 300k a month and my rent is 1.2 million a year. Which means 100k of my monthly income goes to saving for my rent.
Internet. I don’t have a job so I can’t say what percentage of my income I spend on this. But I get sort of an allowance from my parents which usually comes up to about 50k monthly. And I spend about15k on internet every month.
Food. I don’t like to cook, so feeding can get a little expensive for me. I’ve never sat down to do the Math but between groceries, eating out and buying food every day I must be spending about 40 to 50% of my income on food.
I have very very problematic skin. I decided to start paying more attention to it about 2 years ago because man must slay. The only problem is that good skin care products are expensive. Don’t let those people telling you that black soap is all you need, lead you astray. They just have good genes. I don’t buy skincare products every single month thankfully, but the months were I run out of everything at once I can spend almost 50k on products. My monthly salary is 220k.
Food, undoubtedly. Then maybe skin care products because I love to take care of my skin. But food comes first. I’d say I spend about 8 – 10% of my income on food. Then if you add eating out at restaurants it goes up to like 12 – 15%.
I’ve always loved makeup and buying it wasn’t always so expensive. But the way this Buhari’s economy is set up, everything I love is now so expensive. Like MAC is so cost and I’m a makeup artist so I can’t even avoid buying it. I just started this MUA business so I think most of what I make goes into buying new products. I think I spend like 80% of what I make on that.
In the past year, I’ve spent a ton of money on aso-ebi. I’m at an age where all of my friends are getting married all at once and I’ve come to the realization that I might have too many friends. I’m currently in between jobs so I can’t say how much I spend exactly. But based on the last salary I made, I’d say last month I must have spent 40% of my old income on just aso-ebi. Ridiculous.
我们的身体是主的圣殿
Astor George ● April 3, 2020
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I’ve now decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find books just as batshit as that one and recap them for your pleasure.
Today’s book is titled, “The Evil Effects Of Oral Sex In Christian Relationships”.
With a cover like this, I’m no longer sure if this a book about the sinfulness of oral sex or the deliciousness of foot fetishism.
The book starts off defining oral sex as improper use of the body, which is putting it mildly but you know, whatever. It says our bodies are temples of the Lord which means that we’re not supposed to violate our ours (or anyone else’s) by using body parts for what God never intended.
What follows is this list:
Eyes for a definite purpose for sight.
Nose for perceiving odour and breath.
Ears for the sense of hearing.
Hands and legs for general operations.
Mouth specifically for eating and communication
Tongue for the sense of taste.
At this point, I was just like:
How else would I know what my ears were for?
The book goes on to state that God carved out (ouch) the genitals for definite purposes:
The Penis (for urination and sex)
The Vagina (for urination, sex, and childbirth)
The anus (for defecation)
The fact that whoever wrote this book thinks that women pee out of their vaginas is killing me. Then there’s the fact that the anus is listed as a genital.
But I don’t have all day so let’s move on.
The book uses more paragraphs than it needs to explain that God designed sex to be enjoyed the way he intended, which means that any deviation from his design falls in the realm of sexual perversion. There’s also a line about how regular penetrative sex (penis to the vagina) is sexual intercourse and literally anything else counts as a sexual act.
Then there was this:
Girl 1: “Where you going, girl?”
Girl 2; “Just over to Daquan’s house to soak some dick.”
If you’re wondering why the writer is so gung-ho about masturbation being a terrible thing, click here to read about the book I once recapped about the spiritual mystery and danger of masturbation.
The writer goes on a long rant about how oral sex is a sin of lust, not love, and is also a gateway act to exploring other perverted forms of sexual release like (and I’m quoting the book verbatim with these examples): sex toys, vibrators, internet sex, fantasy, sex videos, masturbation, pornography etc.
You know what? Forget it.
According to this book, opening Pandora’s Box of Perverted Sexual Delights™️ in a marriage will lead to sexual bondage: a stage where a person becomes addicted to sex. Not just regular vanilla sex, but messed up nipple-clamping-anal-fisting-candle-wax-on-the-scrotum type of sex. Once one gets to this point, they get trapped in a vicious cycle of unsatisfying sexual sessions with their partner. “Mutual love is gone and fleshy sex has taken over.”
I can’t be the only one that expected the backdoor to be the anus.
At this point, the writer implies that the real reason people don’t go about talking about their sex lives to everyone that’ll listen is that the devil convinced them not to. Here’s the devil’s reason for doing this:
Girl I…
Now, the writer is sure to explain that foreplay isn’t forbidden in Christian marriages. In a chapter named “The Art Of Romancing In Marriage”, it is explained how Christian foreplay works:
What I love the most about this book is how the writer comes off like some kind of Artificial Intelligence created by the same people that write the scripts for Mount Zion’s Cinematic Universe. After the explanation above, he says that during coitus, couples are allowed to get each other “activated” for sexual intercourse by kissing mouth to mouth (NOT MOUTH TO GENITALS) and rubbing of the body’s sensitive parts (neck and chest/breast).
After this, the writer proceeds to drop what I consider to be the funniest line I’ve come across since I started recapping books like this. He makes a statement about how one should be able to praise God in all situations and he is convinced that praising God is impossible during oral sex.
HOW?!
The book ends with a question I’m convinced will haunt me for the rest of my life.
WHAT THE HELL IS NASAL SEX? YOU GUYS, WHAT THE HELL IS NASAL SEX???!
The entire time I was reading this, I kept waiting for the writer to address the effects of oral sex in regular relationships but he never did. Then I remembered that this brand of Christianity doesn’t acknowledge dating.
Damn.
Anyway, here’s a shorter summary of the book using one meme:
Spot on.
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