“让我提起兴趣的并不是巨大的成功。人们不是从‘成功’中成长，而且是从他们犯过的‘错误’中成长。”
“I’m less interested in the big successes. People don’t learn a lot from their successes, and they usually learn the wrong things.”
这是Jim Spohrer告诉我的话，Spohrer是一个电脑科学家、同时也在负责IBM的大学合作工作。
That’s what Jim Spohrer, a computer scientist who leads IBM’s university partnerships told me for my new book,
Sphorer说他更喜欢雇佣来自创业团队的人而不是刚毕业的职场新人，因为来自创业团队的人经历过失败而且他们在失败中成长。
Sphorer said that he likes to hire people from start-ups rather than right out of universities because they have experienced failure and learned from it.
面对“失败”这个问题，学生们很少有可以学习的榜样，因为家长和老师总是对孩子隐藏自己的错误。人们也很少会看到一份工作表现的评判过程；在大学，最重要的就是最后的项目、考试或者论文。
Students rarely see good models of failure in their daily lives to emulate because parents and teachers often hide their mistakes. Students are never exposed, for instance, to the feedback process that is the hallmark of most jobs today. In the college classroom, the sole focus of students is on the final product, whether an exam or a final paper.
但是我们如何对孩子进行关于“失败”的教育呢？关于这个挑战，中学老师Jessica Lahey在她的新书The Gift of Failure里面进行了着重探讨。希望在”失败“面前保护好自己孩子的家长都应该认真读一下，因为Lahey在书中写道：”在现实世界里，‘失败’发生的频率很高。“
But how do we teach failure? That’s the challenge Jessica Lahey, a middle school teacher, tackles in her new book, The Gift of Failure. It should be required reading for all parents whotry to protect their children from failure. As Lahey writes in the book,“failures that happen out there, in the real world, carry far higher stakes.'
教育专栏作家经常听到大学毕业生抱怨他们还没有准备好面对现实世界的失败，看到这样的情况，我想和Jessica聊聊家长及老师该如何更好地就“失败的价值”教育孩子。我们的对话如下：
As both a parent of young kids and a higher-education writer who hears all the time that college graduates are not prepared for the failures of the real world, I wanted to ask Jessica how parents and teachers can better teach the value of failing in students. I recently caught up with Jessica and my exchange with her follows:
问：作为两个小女孩（6岁和4岁）的父亲，我已经认真采纳了你关于如何就“失败”进行教育的建议。但你是中学老师，那么我们应该最早在孩子多大时候，向他们开始渗透“失败”这个概念呢？
Q. As a father of two young girls (six and four), I took your advice on failure to heart. But you’re a middle school teacher.How early and how much should we introduce this idea of failure to our children?
答：孩子从小就需要有机会来进行自我认知。幼儿园老师经常告诉我，孩子们和家长们一起来到幼儿园，往往表现得有如自己不会向大人提问一样。他们用无助的、高八倍的语调说话；只有当家长们走了，孩子们才会在老师的要求下变到“大孩子讲话”频道。当然，等家长来接他们，他们马上又变回那种无助的小孩子的声音。
A. Little kids need to be given opportunities to self-advocate from a very early age. Kindergarten teachers told me over and over about students who come to school with their parents and act as if they can’t ask adults questions, and speak in a helpless, high-pitched voice, only to switch into their teacher-enforced “big kid voice” as soon as the parents leave.They revert to that helpless voice as soon as their parents show up at the end of the day, of course.
如果我们教会孩子和别人说话的时候，要看着别人的眼睛、清楚勇敢地表达自己的想法，并且告诉别人自己的需求，我们就向“教会孩子独立”跨了一大步。其实，年龄小的孩子能做的远远比我们想象的要多，我们应该给予他们更多信任。给他们一个任务、一个指令，然后家长退后，给孩子空间，看看他们会怎么做。
If we teach kids to look other people in the eye, speak up for themselves, and tell people what they need and want,we take a huge step toward teaching autonomy.Plus, little kids can do far more than we give them credit for.Give them a task, give them some direction, then stand back and see what they can do.
问：家长和老师经常对孩子隐藏他们的错误和缺点，这样学生很少能有一个关于“如何面对失败”的好榜样让他们来学习。比如，学生从来没看到过一位作家为了他最后定稿的前面那千万份草稿。学校和家长如何在在日常生活中，就这方面给孩子提供更好的样例来学习呢？
Q.Parents and teachers often hide their mistakes so students rarely see good models of failure in their daily lives to emulate. Students, for example, never see the multiple iterations that lead a writer to a final draft.How can schools and parents provide more good examples of failure on a daily basis?
答：我访问了一个所在家福尼亚的很棒的学校，并且观看了两位老师在教学的时候有计划地犯错。这两位老师在孩子面前犯错，这样，孩子们可以看到老师也会有失败、承担失败带来的后果并且和孩子一起做出相应的弥补和改进措施。老师也告诉学生要这样做。
A. I visited a wonderful school in California and watched two teachers plan out mistakes for their teaching time. They make mistakes in front of the kids so the kids can see them owning their own failures, adapting to the consequences of those failures, and making amends for that fallout with the kids. They also teach the kids to do the same.
我们要么教会孩子如何否认和掩饰错误，假装错误并没有发生过，这样孩子们永远无法从“错误”和“失败”中进步；要么我们给孩子做榜样，让他们看到我们是如何对待错误和失败的，这样我们将会从失败中学习和进步。
We can either teach our kids to deny and cover up mistakes, pretending they never happened, and guaranteeing they will never learn from them, or we can model behavior that makes the most of those failures, that allows us to learn and change in response to our mistakes.
问：你在书中用一整个章节写了和作业有关的话题。你解释道家长现在越来越多在作业方面帮助孩子。您建议应该在孩子需要的时候帮忙，同时也保持自己的生活和工作的节奏。我觉得这个建议很好，但是家长们怎么才能知道孩子是真的遇到困难了还是只是想在作业上偷懒呢？对于初高中的孩子们，家长应该给予多少帮助呢？
Q.You dedicate a chapter in your book to homework. You explain that parents increasingly are working on homework with their children. You suggest that parents be nearby ready to help if necessary, but keep busy with their own work. That’s good advice, buthow do you know when your children are truly stuck or just want an easy way out of doing the homework? And how much help should you provide to middle and high-school students?
答：我知道一个孩子，一直到14岁她的父母都在她做作业时候坐在她旁边，一旦她遇到困难，父母就帮忙。孩子从来没体会过自己在作业上进行努力，她又怎么知道什么时候她真的需要帮助、什么时候只是需要重新读一遍题目或者只是需要换个角度思考这道题目就可以了呢？我让这个孩子的父母在孩子做作业的时间到厨房去做自己的事情，给孩子空间自己努力。
A. I tell a story in my talk about a kid whose parents sat on either side of her while she did her homework until she was 14, and helped her the second she began to feel frustrated.She never learned how to push through, how to know when she’s really stuck or if she simply needs to read the instructions again or even just look at the problem from a different angle.I had her parents go into the kitchen at homework time, and find something else to do.
他们的女儿知道父母在不远的地方，但不是紧紧守在她旁边。当孩子遇到困难，她有时候会小声抱怨，但是父母会等到孩子叫他们才会过来帮忙。孩子叫他们帮忙时候，他们会说自己有些忙，让孩子等一会，“我手头有事情必须要做完，你先自己再想想，我稍后就过去。”
Their daughter knew they were close by, but they were not right on top of her. When she got stuck, she moaned and griped, but they waited for her to ask for help. Then, when she asked, they said they were busy, and hold on just a second, “I have to finish this, but take another crack at it and I will be there in a minute.”
经过“放手”的过程，父母和孩子都学到了“随时都有的挫败感”和“真正的疑惑和困难”的区别。非常强势的父母经常坐在孩子们身旁等着给孩子帮助，这样孩子从来没法学到如何自己努力以及坚持不懈。
That process of stepping back took months, but after a while, they learned—and their daughter learned—the difference between momentarily frustrated and truly confused and stuck.When kids have highly directive or controlling parents, parents who step in the second (or even before) their child needs help, the child never learns to push through herself, to find the emotional wherewithal to persevere.
Wendy Rollick 关于“支持孩子变得独立”的家庭教育的调查帮我理解了给孩子机会、让他们自己体会挫折和失败的重要性。唯一可以被孩子接受的教学方式是鼓励他们经历挫折并且相信他们可以再努力一下，通过变换一种方式，自己独立解决问题。
Wendy Rollick’s research on autonomy supportive parenting really helped me understand how important it is to give kids opportunities to get frustrated. The only way kids can handle important pedagogical techniques such as desirable difficulties (see the book, Make it Stick) is byencountering frustration, and trusting that if they can give it another shot, from another angle, they can figure it out on their own.
问：一些企业和高层经常和我抱怨刚毕业且初入职场的年轻人不知道如何接受别人的负面反馈，因为他们没有学过“如何面对失败”。年轻人现在开始接受“失败教育”太晚了，那么公司和高层应该如何把关于”失败”的教育理念应用到这些职场新人身上呢？
Q. Colleges officials and employers of new college graduates complain to me all the time that their students or workers don’t know how to accept negative feedback because they hadn’t learned failure. Is it too late for young adults to learn these lessons, and how should colleges and employers instill these values in their new students and hires?
答：我昨天刚和一位来自常青藤名校的教授聊天。教授和我讲他的一个学生根本不接受负面的反馈，因为他（学生）不喜欢这些负面信息。他（学生）说觉得听到负面反馈让自己觉得降低身份，而且学生觉得自己已经知道了如何写好一篇论文，不再需要任何反馈了。
A. I was just talking to a professor at an Ivy League college about this yesterday. He was telling me that one of his students had requested that he receive no more negative feedback at all because he did not like it. He said it felt demeaning, and besides, he already knows how to write because he’s written his thesis and does not need any more feedback on writing.
我大笑——如果我21岁的时候就停止接受别人的反馈，我就不会成长为一位成熟的作家。说到成熟，这位学生觉得自己的见地高于任何其他人的反馈。我为他感到可悲。他也许进入了常青藤名校而且会从中收获颇多，但是他不会真正变得伟大，他也不会真正努力创造出任何创新的事物。
I laughed—if only I stopped getting feedback on my writing when I was 21. I would be one immature writer. Speaking of immature, this kid really believed that he was above constructive feedback. I feel so sorry for him. He may have gotten into an Ivy League college, and will reap whatever benefits that entails, but this kid will never truly be great. He will never truly push himself or create anything innovative.
伟大的思考者欢迎反馈，他们从反馈中学习和成长。这个孩子在21岁停止了成长，这是一种人才浪费，对于他自己是，对世界也是。
Great thinkers welcome feedback. Great thinkers adapt, and grow.This kid is done at 21 and that’s such a wasted opportunity, for him, and for the world.
Jeffrey Selingo （本文作者）是三本高等教育主题书籍的作者。他的新书There Is Life After College 探索了为什么刚毕业的大学生在崭新的职场生活中倍感挫折，以及他们如何更好地进行从学生到职业人士的转换。
Jeffrey Selingo is author of three books on higher education. His newest book, There Is Life After College, explores why students struggle to launch into a career after college and how they can better navigate the route from high school through college and into the work world.
Jeffery还是华盛顿邮报 Grade Point blog（高等教育新闻博客）的常驻作家，同时也是亚利桑那州立大学教授和Georgia Tech's Center for 21st Century Universities 的访问学者。
He is a regular contributor to the Washington Post’s Grade Point blog, a professor of practice at Arizona State University, and a visiting scholar at Georgia Tech's Center for 21st Century Universities.
（这是彩蛋～！）
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