内疚和羞愧是我们常常产生的情绪，那么应该如何处理它们呢？临床心理学家琼·唐尼（June Tangney）对建设性的内疚和破坏性的羞愧作了区分，希望帮助人们更好地识别和管理情绪。本视频选自TED官网How to Deal with Difficult Feelings 系列。
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What’s the Difference
Between Shame and Guilt?
羞愧和内疚有何区别？
What’s the difference between shame and guilt?羞愧和内疚有何区别？ These are emotions that we often use interchangeably, but it turns out they’re quite different. So when people feel shame, they feel bad about themselves: “I’m a bad person for having done this.” When people feel guilt, they feel bad not about the self, but about a specific behavior: “I did a bad thing.” And it’s a subtle distinction, but it turns out that it leads to very different motivations. 这两种情绪经常被混淆，但事实证明，它们完全不同。人们感到羞愧时，会为自己难过。“我这么做了，我不是好人。”而人们感到内疚时，并不会为自己难过，而会为具体的行为难过。“我做错了。”区别很微妙，但它引出的动机却大相径庭。 So, when people feel shame about “who I am” because “I did a bad thing, I’m a horrible person,” there’s a sense of shrinking and being small, a sense of worthlessness and powerlessness. And when people feel shame, they want to hide. They want to sink into the floor and disappear. They minimize, they often blame other people. But what they don’t do, typically, is try to make things better. 当人们认为“我做错了，我是坏人”，并对自身感到羞愧时，会感觉自己卑鄙渺小，一文不值，软弱无力。感到羞愧时，人们会试图逃避，恨不得钻进地板缝，消失不见。他们通常会贬低或责怪他人，却不会努力挽回事态。 When people feel guilt about a specific behavior, “I feel bad that I did that”, they’re focused on the behavior and the effects on other people, and that seems to push people in a much more constructive direction. People who feel guilt about a behavior without feeling shame about the self are more inclined to confess, apologize, in some way, try to repair the harm that was done.当因为某特定行为内疚，即“这么做我很难过”，人们专注于该行为及其对他人的影响，这似乎会将人往更具建设性的方向推动。为某行为内疚，而不是为自己羞愧的人，更倾向于忏悔、道歉，或以某种方式尝试弥补造成的伤害。 What’s an example of how guilt can lead a person to make a positive change?内疚如何引导人做出积极的改变？举例说明。 You know, if you really have been responsibly hurt somebody else’s feelings, it’s your fault. And to think about that and think about the effect on the other person, I think (the measure may include) apologizing, reconnecting with that person in some way, repairing the harm that was done. 要知道，如果你真的该为伤害某人的情感负责，那就是你做错了。想想这点，再考虑到对其他人的影响，我认为你可以道歉，设法修复关系，弥补造成的伤害。 And I want to make a distinction between that and situations where people feel guilt, unwarranted guilt, unfair guilt. There are times when we feel guilty over things that we’re not responsible for. And that’s a different issue that is potentially problematic because it’s hard to fix something that you’re really not responsible for. It leaves you in a tough spot, and it’s unfair. So I’m thinking of things like survivor guilt, or people who are in the position where they think they’re responsible for a loved one’s addiction, for example.要把这种情况和内疚、没理由的内疚、不公平的内疚等情况相区别。有的时候，人会因为一些与己无关的事情内疚。情况不同，可能很棘手，因为你其实并没有责任的事往往很难解决。这样的事会使你处境艰难，而且并不公平。我可以想到的例子有：幸存者感到内疚，或者一些人认为自己对所爱之人药物成瘾负有责任等。 No, that’s not your responsibility, and not to feel guilt about that, and to really check, “Is this my responsibility?” Then I think in those cases, we have to kind of double-check and say, “Really, am I responsible? Is this fair? How would I advise a close friend who were in a similar situation?” No, that’s not your responsibility. There’s not a good reason for feeling that guilt, and it’s not helpful.不，这不是你的责任，不要为此感到内疚，要仔细检查“这是我的责任吗？”。我认为，在这些情况下，必须再三内省，并提问：“我真的有责任吗？这公平吗？如何为处于类似情况下的密友提供建议？”不，这不是你的责任，你不应该感到内疚，而且内疚是没有帮助的。 How can you support someone who’s struggling with shame?如何为在羞愧中挣扎的人提供支持？ I think if it’s an ongoing sort of issue, that therapy is certainly an option, and I think there are many therapists who work with that and help people move away from problematic feelings of shame to being more self-compassionate and more realistic about what our responsibilities are. It could be a wise person that you trust.我认为，如果持续感到羞愧，当然要进行治疗。我想，有许多治疗师专注于该问题，帮助人们走出不健康的羞愧感，更加体谅自己，更加了解实际上自身责任何在。治疗师可以是你信任的智者。 One of the things about shame is, when we talk about it, it tends to dispel it a little bit, make it easier to deal with if you put it into words. We often don’t talk about shame at all. It’s sort of we’re almost a shame-phobic society, I think. I can’t remember the last time a client came to me and said, “I feel shame.” We don’t use that word. I think it’s so hard to manage it and get out of it, and sometimes, we feel shame over things that we have done, and then there’s this other set of things that we feel ashamed of, which is who we are. 关于羞愧很重要的一点是，在人们谈论它时，羞愧会减轻，如果把它转化为语言，会更容易处理。但人们根本不谈论羞愧。我认为，几乎整个社会都对羞愧感到恐惧。我已经记不起上一次有病人来找我说“我感到羞愧”是什么时候了。我们不这么说。我认为，处理它、摆脱它是如此困难，有时我们不仅为所做的事感到羞愧，之后还为另外的事感到羞愧，那就是我们自身。 So there’s a really unfair shame, shame over having a stigmatized identity and internalizing that shame, for example. So people who are, you know, in one minority group or another that’s stigmatized. Part of the issue is: “Do you buy into that?” Do you buy into that, and I think that’s a really big question to work with.因此，有的羞愧非常不公平，比如对被污名化的身份感到羞愧，并将这种羞愧内化。对那些属于被污名化的少数群体的人而言，部分问题在于“是否接受这种说法”。我认为，“是否接受这种说法”是一个非常关键的问题。 What strategies can help people change their shame into guilt and move on?要帮助人们将羞愧转变为内疚，最终走出阴影，有什么策略？ I think that just knowing the difference between the two is sometimes an “Aha” experience for people. If you can identify when you feel shame and sort of do some double-checking, you know, “Is it really fair for me to feel like a bad person because I lost my temper with my kids today? Does that mean I’m a horrible parent? Or am I generally a good parent, but this was a bad day, and I did a bad thing and let me address that and make amends, reconnect with my child and think about ways to avoid that going forward,” as opposed to getting mired in shame, shame, shame.我认为，只要知道两者区别有时就能给人启发。在感到羞愧时是否能识别并再三内省“我今天对孩子们发脾气了，这样就觉得自己是个坏人，真的公平吗？这是否意味着我是糟糕的家长？还是说我算得上是好家长，但是今天很糟糕，我做了件坏事，我要解决这个问题，进行弥补，修复与孩子们的关系，并思考今后如何避免发生这种情况”，而不是陷入无尽的羞愧中。 I think shame is such a selfish emotion. It’s all about “me”. It’s not about the person that “I” hurt. It’s, “Me, me, me, me, I’m a horrible person,” which takes the focus off of the person you’ve harmed.我认为羞愧是一种非常自私的情绪，完全是关于“我”的，而不是关于“我”所伤害的人。它就像在说“我，我，我，我，我是一个可怕的人”，这会把你的注意力从所伤害的人身上移开。 How do you keep yourself from buying into feelings of internalized shame?如何避免自己接受内化的羞愧？ Oh, yes—buying into internalized shame, that’s a really good question. I think, first of all, finding a good, supportive group and also finding ways to celebrate and to appreciate the strengths and the beauties of one’s group, even if it’s stigmatized by the community. 哦，是——接受内化的羞愧，问得好。我认为，首先，要找到好的、能够提供支持的群体，还要找到方法来赞美和欣赏他人所在群体的长处和美好，即使社会对其进行污名化也应如此。 I work with incarcerated and formerly incarcerated people. And that is one stigmatized group, let me tell you. But one way to think about it is, “You know, I have come through a rough time, and I have, in spite of so many barriers, stuck with it, and (I’m going) to get support from other people who have made that transition.”我曾同狱中的人和入过狱的人一起工作。我可以说，这是一个被污名化的群体。有一种思考方式是：“你知道，我经历了一段艰难的时光，尽管有许多障碍，但我还是坚持了下来，并从其他已经完成这一转变的人那里获得了支持。” How can you deal with shame that you feel for not measuring up to expectations?如何处理因没有完成期望而产生的羞愧？ Yes, I guess it depends whose expectations you’re thinking of. If it’s our own expectations, maybe they weren’t realistic, or maybe we expected too much. I think that in this world now, which moves so fast, I mean—everybody’s overloaded. There’s something wrong there! 是的，我想这取决于你指的是谁的期望。如果是自己的期望，那么或许这些期望不现实，又或许我们期望太多。我认为，当今世界发展如此之快，每个人都不堪重负。你要检讨对自己的期望！ About measuring up to other people’s expectation, that’s a really, really important one, and I think it’s critical to separate out what other people’s expectations are of you and what your own expectations are, what your own values are. 符合他人的期望是一个非常、非常重要的问题，我认为，把别人对你的期望和你对自己的期望、自己的价值观分开很关键。 And we care about what loved ones and other people think about us, but ultimately, we want to be true to our own values and be sensitive to others who may have different feelings, different ideas. Explain to the other person, “You know, you expect me to do X, I understand that you’d like me to do that, but I’m doing Y, and this is why. It’s really important to me.”尽管我们很在意所爱之人和其他人对自己的看法，但最终，我们要忠于自己的价值观，并保持对他人的敏感：其他人可能有不同的感受和不同的想法。可以向对方解释：“你知道，尽管你希望我那样做，我也明白你希望我那样做，但是我要这样做，这就是原因。这对我来说真的很重要。”
