I’ve got some bad news about jerboas.
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I’ve got some bad news about puffins.
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I’m not a hamster expert (I had mice growing up) but here’s some bad news about them.
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When I grow up I want to be a female spotted hyena. Girl hyenas are the boss.
Girl hyenas are violent when they need to be and they howl at the top of their lungs, and they always get first dibs on zebra meat. When the zebra meat runs out they eat bones and skin.
Girl hyenas are so strong that male spotted hyenas are afraid of their newborn daughters.
And, I don’t know how else to say this: girl hyenas have a seven-inch clitoris shaped like a penis. Mating is difficult and giving birth is almost impossible - but girl hyenas can handle giving birth through a seven-inch pseudopenis tube, it’s just part of what being a girl hyena is about.
Maybe, whether you’re a girl, boy, animal, or human, you’re sort of already a girl hyena on the inside, and I made a sweatshirt so you can be one on the outside too.
These HYENAS FOREVER sweatshirts were printed on the Oregon coast. They’re blue and really soft and $35 and they’re great for wearing while you change the world. Click here to buy one while supplies last.
Your goldfish hates your Spotify playlist.
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I’ve got some bad news about a slug that isn’t hungry.
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I’ve got some bad news about rabbits.
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I’ve got some bad news about mice.
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I’ve got some bad news about sharks.
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I’ve got some bad news about banana slugs.
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