文章的topic为In some countries, young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and stating university studies。即gap year(间隔年)。我选取了学生写的gap year的好处/理由一段进行讲解。
学生作文
B 整篇文章的核心词为gap year，work和travel只是度过gap year的两个具体形式。但是除了最后一句，段落大部分篇幅都没有提到gap year这一概念，只是单纯地在讲work和travel的好处，很明显严重偏题。
1 段落开头就出现了低级错误：on the positive。正确的表达应该为on the positive side，表示好的一面是，用来引出事物的好处。也可以用on the upside。与之相反的就是on the downside。
2 除了the young，还可以用同义词youngsters/the young generation/students或更加具体的身份词high-school graduates/undergraduates-to-be等。
3 society泛指社会时，是不可数名词，前面不能加the。如果是world则可以在前面加the：know the world better，因为world是可数名词。
4 get to know society better表达较为简单，略显口语化，可以改为更加复杂地道的书面表达：develop/gain a better understanding of society。
5 第二句的主语用了代词they，指代上一句的the young，显然不合适。文章的核心词为gap year/work or travel，在①②两句中并没有得到体现。应该将They改为It或work的同义替换such working experience。
修改版本
On the positive side/upside, working in the gap year helps the young develop/gain a better understanding of society. Such working experience also helps to build up their interpersonal relationship, giving them an edge over their peers.
③Also, travelling enables them to learn more about the world, learning about different cultures and seeing different views. ④They can also broaden their horizon.
1 在书面语当中，also不能放在句首，可以放在谓语动词前(travelling also enables...)。如果一定要放在句首，则用moreover/furthermore/in addition等表达。当然可以使用倒装句结构Also worth mentioning is that...。在这篇文章中，travel和work并非单纯的并列关系，用also不合适。根据这位同学要表达的内容来看，work和travel对学生的好处是相似的，都可以拓宽视野。因此换成副词similarly/likewise，逻辑性会更强一些。
2 travelling作为动名词表示旅行，没问题。但是与前面的working在形式上略显重复。其实可以直接使用travel，不必使用动名词形式。同时可以在travel前加上一个修饰词gap-year，更加扣题：gap-year travel。
3 learning about different cultures and seeing different views这个结构有误。既不是现在分词作状语(分词作状语，其逻辑主语是前面主句的主语，而learn的逻辑主语是they，有矛盾)，同时也不是与learn more about the world并列。其实完全可以将learn more about the world去掉，因为与第二句的broaden their horizon在语义上是有重复的。
4 broaden one's horizon这个短语用的不错，表示拓宽视野。还有个类似的表达：enrich one's knowledge丰富知识。在很多话题中都可以套用这两个短语。
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Similarly, gap-year travel enables high-school graduates to learn about different cultures and listen to different views, which can broaden their horizon.
⑤In high school, students are busy preparing for the national entrance exams, they literally have no time to play and relax. ⑥Once they entered universities, they will not have too much time to play again. ⑦As a result, this gap year will provide them with a perfect chance to take a rest.
1 在第一句话中，students...exams和they...relax两个完整的句子之间没有任何连接词，这属于典型的run-on sentence。可以在they literally前面加上一个so。在第⑤句当中，students...exams是they...relax的原因，而they...relax才是真正与段落中心相关的。因此可以将students...exams这一句处理为状语的形式：
2 这一段当中还出现了几个低级的语法错误：1.the national entrance exams中的exams应该改为单数，同时漏掉了一个college/university：the national university entrance exam 高考。2.entered应改为现在完成时，这里表示的是一般规律。
3 第⑥句话中的will not have too much time to play again极度口语化，而且和第⑤句有所重复。为了避免这一问题，我们可以使用一个句型：The same holds true...(...也是这样)。为了避免绝对性，可以在holds前面加上一个often。毕竟大学有些专业还是很闲的，不至于到没时间休息的程度。同时，⑤⑥两句关联较大，中间可以用分号；连接，而不是句号。
4 as a result前后两句话是逻辑论证上的因果关系，而非一件事导致另一件事的发生，改为therefore更合适一些。
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Busy preparing for the national university entrance exam, students literally have no spare time to play and relax in high school; the same often holds true even when they have entered college. Therefore, a gap year can provide newly-graduated students with a perfect chance to take a rest.
修改版本
On the positive side/upside, working in the gap year helps the young develop/gain a better understanding of society. Such working experience also helps to build up their interpersonal relationship, giving them an edge over their peers. Similarly, gap-year travel enables high-school graduates to experience different cultures and listen to different views, which can broaden their horizon. Busy preparing for the national university entrance exam, students literally have no spare time to play and relax in high school; the same often holds true even when they have entered college. Therefore, a gap year provides newly-graduated students with a perfect chance to take a rest.
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