我来自巴西,英语是我的第二语言,所以英文写作对我来说很困难和痛苦。(怎么个“困难与痛苦”:我都宁愿表演一个剧本中所有的角色,也不愿意提交关于泰坦尼克号沉没的论文。)但是我的社会学老师鼓励我参加写作比赛。我最终决定一试。我选定一匹马为我的写作主题。(这匹马可是有来历的,这匹马是波士顿一名银匠Paul Revere的坐骑。Paul Revere是平民参与政治的杰出典范,他冒着风险于1775年4月18日晚上骑着马到Lexington去警告美国人英国士兵要来了,才使美国民兵得以防范,并打响了美国独立战争的第一枪。关于Paul Revere的事迹,这里有一个视频)选定“马”之后,我开启了我的写作,我想到了马的嘴,还思考到:它在黑夜中疾驰时会想什么?它累吗?它有疑问吗?它想放弃吗? 就这样,我一边思考,一边共鸣。于是坚持不懈,努力写作。为了写好,我检查我的拼写,还请大姐纠正我的语法,甚至从图书馆借了六本关于保罗·里维尔的书进行阅读。最后大功告成,将文章交给我的老师,他让我修改,就这样,修改一次又一次,终于提交参赛。在这不断写的过程中,我突然有了这种心理:感受到写作的乐趣,竟不在乎得奖与否。文章在这里戛然而止。续段一:几周之后,就在我忘记“参赛”这事时,一则消息来了。续段二:我在颁奖典礼(award presentation)之后,去往老师办公室。有的老师认为该语篇的主题语境隶属于:人与自我。觉得文章的主题是表现作者能够:自我否定——自我尝试——自我怀疑——自我坚持——自我突破。如果聚焦“自我”的话,那一定要有“自我醒悟”的心理描写。当然,也可以借别人的话说出。但是我基于我的下水写作,觉得:该语篇的主题语境包含“人与社会”的成分。即:我与老师的交往。交往中,我受老师影响慢慢改变;我也懂得感恩。而老师的回应依然是:那样的善于激励人。—— 我们在社会交往中,是不是也要多鼓励他人?同一个语篇,不一定就隶属于一个单一的主题语境,而可属于多个。因此,表现的主题也可以是多个。基于“两段首句定一框”,我们可知第一段必然要写到“颁奖典例”。在此基础上,我们从“互动”的角度出发,很容易推理以下极简情节:关于“互动”,我以前写过三篇文章,大家可以点击链接,前往观看,这样对上表中的“主配互动”、“己己互动”有更深刻的理解。Paragraph 1 A few weeks later, when I almost forgot the contest, there came the news.(1) It was said that I got the first prize.(2) All of sudden, I was so surprised that I was speechless.(3) Only one voice kept whispering in my ears constantly, “How can that possibly be true?”(4) Not until my head teacher asked me to attend the award presentation did I realize I created a miracle.(5) What came next was that I received an award and a certificate of honor.(6) It occurred to me that I should thank my social studies teacher, without whose help I could not have achieved such a success.Paragraph 2 I went to my teacher’s office after the award presentation.(1) No sooner had I seen him than I cried “I made it”.(2) Hearing my good news, he showed a big toothy smile and gave me a big thumbs-up. (3) “Thank you, sir, without your encouragement and instruction, I could not have made it.” (4) Still smiling, my teacher just told me not to under-estimate my potential.(5) Then I shared with him that I would write more and hoped to be a story writer.(6) With eyes glittering with surprise and happiness, David replied, in a firm voice,“Keep going, and don’t quit. You will harvest whatever you want.” 以下是部分高一学生作品,有好有差。部分学生的低级错误(硬伤)让我颇恼火。我摘了一些典型的,抄在黑板上,让学生细品。其中be full of , be filled with 的用错,强烈地反映出汉语负迁移现象。
问题主要在于:首段没有提到award presentation, 从而与第二段衔接不紧。同时,没有提到这点,也反映出“极简推理”的缺失。
当然也有好的,如:
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