For as long as I can remember I have felt like I have been burdened by living with mental health issues which almost ruined my life. The thing is, I didn’t let it, I won’t let it and as I’ve come to accept my issues - they are no longer a burden.
自从记事以来，我就觉得精神疾病一直困扰着我，几乎毁掉了我的一生。重要的是，我没让这种结果出现，将来也不会让其出现。而且，由于我已经接受了自己的这种状态，它们不再是我的心理负担。
My “problems” started at an early age; I was quiet, but with friends and family I was outgoing and full of life. I didn’t fit in too well at school because I was shy; that’s when the anxiety started. Attacks every morning and night. Classmates would witness these and notice my absences - they used this as ammunition to bully me. I didn’t know what was happening. I just felt sick. That’s when the depression crept in.
“问题”出现在我很小的时候；那时的我很安静，但跟朋友家人在一起时却显得活泼外向，充满活力。因为生性害羞，我在学校跟同学相处不太融洽；焦虑症开始每天早晚都会发作。同学们目睹这些，注意到我没来上课---他们因此而欺负我。我不明白怎么回事，只是觉得很难受。抑郁症就在那个时候开始悄悄来袭。
Getting out of bed was a chore, I had no energy and wanted to be alone. I started to self harm as a way of coping, a way of keeping calm.
起床成了很辛苦的事情，我有气无力，就想自己一个人呆着，并开始以自残来应对，让自己安静下来。
After 5 years of suffering in silence my scars were noticed. My mum took me straight to the doctors. With anxiety and depression I was quiet, shy and withdrawn. I didn’t like speaking. So when my doctor started asking me questions I couldn’t answer. That’s when I first really felt judged for having these issues. My doctor, of all people, turned to me and said “Chrissie you are a very ignorant young girl." Everything started spinning, I felt like everything was all my fault. I felt like I shouldn’t feel the way I did and that I should just get over it. I felt like a failure and let down to be putting my family through what I had. I felt so much guilt that I let that eat me up even more. I felt ignorant, but I couldn’t physically speak. I was so scared and ashamed of what I felt - even more so after that visit to the doctors.
默默地忍受了五年之后，我的伤疤被发现了，妈妈直接带我去看医生。由于焦虑症和抑郁症，我安静、害羞、孤僻，不喜欢说话。因此，医生问我问题时，我不会回答。那时，我第一次真切感受到有这方面的问题会被人看不起。所有人中偏偏是我的医生冲我来了一句：“克里西，你这小丫头可真够蠢的。”我觉得天旋地转，觉得一切都是自己的错，觉得自己不该有这种感受，应该克服掉这种感受才对。家人因我而遭罪让我觉得自己是个失败者，很绝望。由于太内疚，我让这种情绪更进一步吞噬自己。觉得自己很无知，但嘴上却说不出来。我的感受让自己很恐惧，无地自容，看过那个医生后更是如此。
After seeing another doctor I was given appointment for CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) and a psychiatrist. By then I was scared to leave the house, I was having constant panic attacks, suicidal thoughts and using unhealthy coping mechanisms. I had lost my friends and spent my time in my room, I didn’t sleep and I barely ate. I thought my life was over and honestly I didn’t feel I had the energy to save myself.
看过另一位大夫后，我被安排接受CBT(认知行为疗法）和精神科治疗。那时，我害怕出门，常常无端的恐惧，有自杀的念头，并采取了不健康的应对方法。我没了朋友，足不出户，吃不下，睡不着。我觉得自己完了，而且，说实话，我不觉得有力气自救。
The morning of the appointment I lost control of my breathing, I felt sick and everything was spinning. I was crying, but mum wasn’t going to give up on me. She got me there. I headed straight for the bathroom and locked myself in. A few moments later there was a knock on the door “Hi Chrissie, my name is Sarah”. That was the start of one of the most important relationships I was ever going to have.
要去看病的那天早上，我无法控制自己的呼吸，觉得难受，天旋地转。我一直哭泣，但妈妈不愿意放弃我，设法把我弄到了医生那里。一进门，我直奔厕所，把自己反锁在里面。过了一会儿，有人敲门：“嗨，克里西，我是莎拉。”从此，我人生最重要的一段关系开始建立。
Sarah was my therapist. She put me at ease and I was willing to give this a try. We spoke to the psychiatrist, he prescribed me antidepressants to give me a boost to get me to my sessions. I was a 16 year old girl relying on medication to get out of the house for one hour for a therapy session. I was ashamed. Week after week my mum would drag me out of bed and drive me to sessions while I would cry and shake in the back seat.
莎拉是我的心理医生。她使我放松，而我也愿意尝试配合治疗。我们跟精神科医生谈了谈，医生给我开了抗抑郁的药，助我进入心理辅导程序。当时的我，一个16岁的姑娘，要靠药物才能走出家门，去接受一个小时的心理辅导。我觉得很丢脸。一周又一周，妈妈把我从床上拽起来，开车送我去心理医生那儿，而我则在车后座上哭泣、发抖。
After a few months I turned up at my session, calm, no tears and breathing normally. I still felt sick but I had no attack, Sarah praised me, my mum praised me and then I smiled. A smile, which for the first time in years I really meant. Before I knew it I was going out and seeing friends! Sarah and my mum stood by me the whole way through until we all thought I had reached the point where I didn’t need Sarah anymore. Now I would go as far as to say Sarah saved my life, she gave me hope and she showed me how to live.
经过几个月后的心理辅导，出现在心理诊所的我表现镇定，不再哭哭啼啼，呼吸正常。我还是会难受，但病情没有发作。莎拉夸我，妈妈也夸我，我终于笑了，是几年来第一次发自内心地笑。不知不觉中，我可以走出家门，可以拜访朋友了。莎拉和妈妈一直全程陪着我，直到大家都觉得我不再需要莎拉为止。如今，在我心里，莎拉简直就是我的救命恩人，是她给了我希望，教我如何生活。
I had a good life, amazing family and good friends before this. What was my problem?
生病前，我生活不错，家庭不错，还有好朋友，为什么会得这种病呢？
I know now there was no problem. We never found a definite reason for how I was feeling - I’ve come to accept now that this is a part of me, always has been and always will be. I still have bad days, bad weeks - sometimes bad months. Each time I come back stronger. People think that mental illness is something to be ashamed of, or people need to be treated differently. I’m not ashamed. I still suffer from depression and anxiety, but I feel that it has made me a stronger, more independent person. It is hard, but this is who I am.
如今，我明白了自己的情况不是病。我的感受一直都没找到一个明确的原因---如今，我已经开始接受这就是自己的一部分，原来如此，将来也永远如此。我仍然会好多天，好多星期，有时甚至好几个月很难受，但是，难受结束之后，我会变得更坚强。人们认为，患精神疾病很丢脸，应该遭人白眼，我却不以为然。虽然仍然受着抑郁症和焦虑症的困扰，但我却觉得这一切让我更坚强，更独立。虽然很不容易，但这就是真实的我。
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