English title:
My next-door flatmate took a friend back to stay in our flat,
but sent me the message after the new person moved in
|
Hermione in London
30th March 2020
Cloudy
©️陶理 Hermione
2020.03.30 19:01
我有发声的权利，
I have a right to say,
但可能什么都没变化。
but this may change nothing.
但真的什么都没变吗?
Wait, really nothing changed?
至少我说了我想说的。
At least, I said what I wanted to say.
为了避免有任何国籍歧视，而且我觉得和主题无关，无需提及这两人国籍，我就说我室友是女性，她朋友是男性，其他的我就都不说了。毕竟同样是生活在异国、生活还捉襟见肘到得和人合租公寓，我将心比心，还是不要说太多与这件事无关的个人信息了。但这并不意味着这件事情我就觉得舒服。
To avoid any discrimination with nationality, and I also think there is no relevance to the topic I want to focus on, no need to mention their other personal infornation, all I can say is my flatmate is female and her friend is male. After all, we are all living outside our home countries, and we are so poor that we have to live with others in a small flat. My empathy tells me not to refer the personal information. But it does not mean I feel comfortable about what she did.
事实上，我觉得特别不舒服，但说出来之后，还是住在这。
In fact, I feel very uncomfortable, but after I expressed myself, I still live here.
之所以分享出来这件小事，也是因为我想说出我的不舒服，我想表达也想做个记录。而且分享在这里，要是看到的读者不幸也遇到类似的这种体验（希望任何一个人都不要遇到我遇到的这种糟心事），但万一，遇到后不知道该怎么回复，我的回答或许是有帮助的。万一这读者和我很像，一旦要对身边的人说出自己的批评就特别谨言慎行，怕伤害到你批评的人，尽管只是在批评这个行为，而不是人身攻击。我这个对室友不当行为的回复，不仅自己几经揣度，还和好几个朋友确认过，是没有攻击性，但说清楚了自己观点的。我想，应该可以也值得供有需要的人参考。
The reason I share this incident is because I want to say something about my uncomfort. Besides, sharing this would be beneficial to some reader if someday they unfortunately face this kind of experience (fingers crossed: no one would experience the disgusting stuff I have gone through), but just in case, someone faces similar difficulty and does not know how to reply, my answer might be helpful. If this someone is like me, very cautious in criticising someone around, feeling afraid that the person you criticised of their behaviour, will take it personally. My reply to my flatmate's misbehaviour, is not just well-thought by me. I also get confirmed with my several friends that my words are not aggressive and clear enough to express my point. From my perspectives, this can be a reference if someone need.
先说清楚，我分享这事也不是要看到这篇的人来对我或我室友的做法作出任何评判。这是我的人生，经过我深思熟虑的选择。我或许会因为这个小小的蝴蝶效应，增加自己死亡的风险，但我选择这么做了，就能承担也不得不承担这样的风险。我没有办法撤销自己的做法，也不想重来。
First I want to be clear that sharing this is not for your judgement on me nor my flatmate. This is my life and my choice after careful thoughts. I may walk closer to death as I did this, like a butterfly effect. But I chose this pathway, that means I can and have to bear with the risk. I have no way to undo what I have done, and I do not want to go back and do it again.
如果你根本就和我没有私交，省省你的时间，留给那些珍视你的评判的人。突然从哪儿跳出来对我指手画脚的陌生人，我只会不予理睬。
If you and I barely know each other, save your time to someone else who appreciate your judgement. I will ignore you if you, as a stranger, dare to teach me, who is also a stranger, how to live my life.
如果你和我确实有私交，那你就应该了解我是个固执的人，一旦决定了我想要优先做的事情。我目前的优先事项就是在我的房间里尽可能不受打扰地做成我想做的事情，说完我想说的话。所以搬家还不在我的考虑范围内。与其劝我走，或者劝我赶室友的朋友走，不如花时间坦诚地和我聊聊对彼此的看法，在我还可以回应你的时候，说点有价值和有建设性的事情。如果你记得我想要让我的朋友们在我的葬礼上致悼词，现在就可以写。可能我们还能就悼词聊一聊，如果你也不觉得这样做有点毛骨悚然的话。我是觉得完全可以。
If you do have a personal connection with me, then you should know that I am a stubborn person if I have made up my mind about my priority. My current priority is to stay in my room without distractions to do what I want to do and say what I want to say. So moving to another place is not what I would consider. Instead of convincing me to move out, or persuading me to ask my flatmate's friend go away, it is a better choice to talk with me when we can have honest conversations, say something that can build up and therefore has value. We can talk about how we see each other, and if you remember the lament I would like my friends to give at my funeral, do it now. Maybe we can even talk about the lament, if not too creepy to you. I am perfectly okay with this.
我知道我的读者里有关心爱护我的家人和密友，看到这可能已经焦急得不得了了。我可以多说几句宽慰的话，先说一句别担心我：
I know my family and close friends actually love me would probably would be very concerned. I can say something to make you feel better, I will start with do not worry for me:
第一，新的人已经住进来了。我就算将ta赶走，只会多一个流离失所的人，和一个关系紧张的室友，这室友我还要朝夕相处，没法保证对方不走极端；（如果可以避免冲突或肢体暴力，目前情况没有到我需要采取自卫来生存的地步，我希望尽可能让困境中的人感受到这个世界还有一点温暖和善意的包容。）
First, the new person has come in. Even I managed to kick my flatmate's friend out, there will only be one more homeless. The tension between my flatmate and me may even end up in violence if my flatmate goes to the extreme; ( if I can avoid conflict or body violence, the current situation is that I am not yet in a position to defend myself for survival, I hope that people in difficulties can feel that there are warmth and kindness as well as tolerance.)
第二，我本来就绝大部分时间在自己的房间里。通常听到室友都没动静才会去公共空间，这是因为我不能百分百确定自己，也不能确定他们有没有可能已经成为了病毒携带者。这样做不仅是保护自己，也在保护对方；（这也是为什么我拒绝搬到这边说可以给我整理出空房间的有房的朋友的原因；在此超级感谢主动提出愿意让我住的朋友们，情谊收到了，但我就不搬了。）
Secondly, I spent most of my time in my own room. I usually go to the public space when I do not hear other flatmates' movement. It is because I cannot be 100% sure that either of us has been the carrier of the virus. Doing so can not only protect me and protect them; (this also explains why I refuse my friend's generous offer for me to stay at their spare room as they have a house/flat; I want to express my gratitude for their generous and serious offers, but I am not moving.)
第三，我目前每天都有监测自己的体温（目前为止一直正常），饮食作息也都健康，一贯以来我也有着运动的习惯，所以不说有信心能绝对战胜病毒，但至少我基本上可以照顾好自己；（万一有需要，附近也有朋友可以给我送必需品；再次感谢住在我附近的紧急联系人，最近还给我送了维他命C。）
Thirdly, I measure my temperature everyday (has been normal till today), my diet and lifestyle have been healthy for long, plus my habit of exercise, so I cannot promise that I can defeat the virus, but at least I can basically take care of myself; ( and just in case, I also live with friends who can buy the essentities for me; thanks again to my emergency contact who recently sent me th Vitamin C)
接下来就是对方发给我的信息和我的回复了。再说一遍，这篇推送里没人需要你的评判。
Now we are going to read the message I received and replied. Again, I did not write this for your judgement.
I choose to send this long message after your work in the kitchen. I don’t want to bother you with my feelings when you need to work. But I am a person with feelings so I need to say how I feel about what you did:
First of all, it is a really nice gesture you do to your friend. He experienced many difficulties and you definitely have brought sunshine to his life by sharing your room.
No doubt you are a kind friend to him, but you are not showing your kindness to other tenants, including me.
I have to be honest about my feelings about your notice after he moved in. I am not feeling comfortable to have a stranger living next door at this time when social distancing has been a new nationwide rule. You can say that I am overreacting but I just want to clear that
YOU KNOW I am not comfortable about what you do although I cannot do anything to undo what you have done.
No one can say when the pandemic will be gone, so we know nothing for sure about how long the current isolation would last. And I understand it can be more difficult for him. But actually everyone is living quite a tough life now. You are being nice to him but not so responsible to other tenants who sign the contract with the landlord.
I also want to ask you a question but it is your choice to answer or ignore:
How long is your friend going to stay?
I need to obviously stay home (and of course mainly in my room) and I suppose you and your friend will also mainly stay indoors.
And as we all know, there is only one bathroom and one kitchen. It is already busy for four tenants, and now the number is five.
I hope your friend is clear that in case there is a time-conflict, tenants have priority because we live here with monthly-paid contract.
Relax. I will not do anything because I have empathy. If I was in his situation with no place to stay, it is nice to have someone give a hand. But the way you noticed me (and probably other tenants) after he moved in is a very badly-done behaviour as a flatmate, and it is in the context of coronavirus outbreak.
Last not not least, I hope every person in this flat (and our families and friends elsewhere, and everyone lives in this planet) stay safe and stay healthy.
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