作文讲评课,我这样上
作文评讲课,我这样上
有一道作文题是这样的:
假如你是李华,想参加China Daily举办的以“梦想职业体验”为主题的2021年夏令营活动。请给主办人Mr. Smith写一封介绍个人情况的申请邮件。
内容包括:1.个人信息与兴趣爱好;2.梦想职业与个人计划。
写作要求:1.词数80-100词左右,开头结尾已给出,不计入总词数;2.文中不得出现真实的学校名称与姓名。
给的范文是这样的:
Dear Mr. Smith,
It’s my pleasure to introduce myself to you.
My name is Li Hua. I like reading and writing. I spend lots of time reading in the library with my classmates after school. And I have a habit of keep a dairy. I want to be a writer when I grow up. So after knowing your summer camp, I feel very excited because it’s about dream job experience. If I have this kind of opportunity to experience my dream job, I will cherish this chance. After work, I will spend more time making a summary.
I do hole to join in the activity and look forward to your reply.
Best wishes!
Yours Sincerely,
Li Hua
这版范文出现了一些问题,分析如下:
某些语言表述有问题:
如 knowing your summer camp这种表达,是错误的。Know作及物动词,意思是:to be familiar with a person, place, thing, etc. 熟悉;认识;了解,如:
I've known David for 20 years. 我认识戴维已有20年了。
Do you two know each other (= have you met before) ? 你们俩认识吗?
She's very nice when you get to know her. 你了解她以后就会觉得她非常可爱
这里显然不是认识、了解、熟悉的意思。而是:to have information in your mind as a result of experience or because you have learned or been told it 知道;知悉;了解。这时候要说know about/of较好一些。
还如,If I have this kind of opportunity, 这里的kind of 完全没有必要。
还如,If I have this kind of opportunity to experience my dream job, I will cherish this chance. 表达不自然,重复使用了opportunity和chance,不如改为I will cherish the chance/opportunity if I’m lucky enough to be given it.
行文不太符合英语文章的规范
如申请性质的信件,一般要开门见山地告诉收信人自己写信的目的。而不是上来就是It’s my pleasure to introduce myself to you.
书信内容层次不清,缺乏逻辑主线
尤其是After work…这一句,与前面的内容没有形成自然的逻辑关系,非常突兀。在珍惜机会说完之后,再来一句After work, I will spend more time making a summary.说明自己日常的行为和习惯,实在是难以衔接,与前文的逻辑完全断裂,突兀,生硬,硬凑的痕迹过于明显。
漏掉了一个要点:个人计划。
高考作文,漏掉要点是大忌。根据评分标准,漏掉要点扣分是非常厉害的。
修改后的作文如下:
Dear Mr. Smith,
How are you doing?
My name is Li Hua. I’m writing to you to apply for a chance to join in the activity of experiencing dream job in the summer camp.
My dream job is to be a writer, because I enjoy reading and writing. I spend lots of time reading in the library with my classmates after school. And I have the good habit of keeping a dairy. I have planned to major in writing in university and I’m preparing myself for it. So after knowing about your summer camp, I feel very excited and can’t wait to apply for it. I will cherish the chance/opportunity if I’m lucky enough to be given it.
Looking forward to your reply.
Best wishes!
Yours Sincerely,
Li Hua
这也是本节课的教学内容。
大致的教学步骤如下:
首先呈现范文,让学生阅读观察后提出自己的想法。
然后通过对以上四个方面的分析,引导学生学会思考。
然后与学生在原文信息的基础上,一起完成作文。
教学效果较好。
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