作文讲评课，我这样上

作文评讲课，我这样上

有一道作文题是这样的：

假如你是李华，想参加China Daily举办的以“梦想职业体验”为主题的2021年夏令营活动。请给主办人Mr. Smith写一封介绍个人情况的申请邮件。

内容包括：1.个人信息与兴趣爱好；2.梦想职业与个人计划。

写作要求：1.词数80-100词左右，开头结尾已给出，不计入总词数；2.文中不得出现真实的学校名称与姓名。

给的范文是这样的：

Dear Mr. Smith,

It’s my pleasure to introduce myself to you.

My name is Li Hua. I like reading and writing. I spend lots of time reading in the library with my classmates after school. And I have a habit of keep a dairy. I want to be a writer when I grow up. So after knowing your summer camp， I feel very excited because it’s about dream job experience. If I have this kind of opportunity to experience my dream job, I will cherish this chance. After work, I will spend more time making a summary.

I do hole to join in the activity and look forward to your reply.

Best wishes!

                                                                       Yours Sincerely,

                                                                            Li Hua

这版范文出现了一些问题，分析如下：

1. 某些语言表述有问题：

如 knowing your summer camp这种表达，是错误的。Know作及物动词，意思是：to be familiar with a person, place, thing, etc. 熟悉；认识；了解，如：

I've known David for 20 years. 我认识戴维已有20年了。

Do you two know each other (= have you met before) ? 你们俩认识吗？

She's very nice when you get to know her. 你了解她以后就会觉得她非常可爱

这里显然不是认识、了解、熟悉的意思。而是：to have information in your mind as a result of experience or because you have learned or been told it 知道；知悉；了解。这时候要说know about/of较好一些。

还如，If I have this kind of opportunity, 这里的kind of 完全没有必要。

还如，If I have this kind of opportunity to experience my dream job, I will cherish this chance. 表达不自然，重复使用了opportunity和chance，不如改为I will cherish the chance/opportunity if I’m lucky enough to be given it.

1. 行文不太符合英语文章的规范

如申请性质的信件，一般要开门见山地告诉收信人自己写信的目的。而不是上来就是It’s my pleasure to introduce myself to you.

1. 书信内容层次不清，缺乏逻辑主线

尤其是After work…这一句，与前面的内容没有形成自然的逻辑关系，非常突兀。在珍惜机会说完之后，再来一句After work, I will spend more time making a summary.说明自己日常的行为和习惯，实在是难以衔接，与前文的逻辑完全断裂，突兀，生硬，硬凑的痕迹过于明显。

1. 漏掉了一个要点：个人计划。

高考作文，漏掉要点是大忌。根据评分标准，漏掉要点扣分是非常厉害的。

修改后的作文如下：

Dear Mr. Smith,

How are you doing?

My name is Li Hua. I’m writing to you to apply for a chance to join in the activity of experiencing dream job in the summer camp.

My dream job is to be a writer, because  I enjoy reading and writing. I spend lots of time reading in the library with my classmates after school. And I have the good  habit of keeping a dairy. I have planned to major in writing in university and I’m preparing myself for it. So after knowing about your summer camp， I feel very excited and can’t wait to apply for it. I will cherish the chance/opportunity if I’m lucky enough to be given it.

Looking forward to your reply.

Best wishes!

                                                                       Yours Sincerely,

                                                                            Li Hua

这也是本节课的教学内容。

大致的教学步骤如下：

首先呈现范文，让学生阅读观察后提出自己的想法。

然后通过对以上四个方面的分析，引导学生学会思考。

然后与学生在原文信息的基础上，一起完成作文。

教学效果较好。